The Light Deep Within

I can’t see the bright side of the moon tonight. The light was there last week and tonight it is gone. I walked out into the backyard and tried to find it, but it had disappeared. I had so wanted the light to be there, but for tonight it is not to be.

We all have these timelines in our heads that dictate the when and how’s of our lives. Starting in our childhood we are told that we need to have a plan and are bombarded with questions about the future and our place in it. We start to formulate our life map and set goals for ourselves. We imagine that we will have a job by 23, be married by 28, children by 32….the list is endless.

What’s the point?

You can try to control your life with all your might, and you will still wake up one morning with the monkey wrench of Life smacking you up side the head. I wanted children by age 28 and as I approach 33 there is still a deafening silence whenever the lights go out in my home. I don’t like it….in fact I hate it. I have tried to control this problem in every conceivable way. The only thing that I have to show for all of my efforts is a gravesite and a stronger relationship with my wife (and I treasure both with all my heart). The temptation to run out into the street and scream obscenities at God is overwhelming at times. I am tired, worn out, and would love for this merry go round to stop spinning for a little while. I look out at the world and see all of these people and wonder why it is so hard to have a child when it seems to so easy for everyone else.

When is it my turn? Will it ever be my turn?

The funny part is that most people try to tell me that this is God’s plan. That God must have a direction for me and that is why I have been denied the pleasure of raising a child. I am told that I must be patient and that I should enjoy each day for what it is: a gift from God.

I’ll be honest…if this is God’s plan then I don’t know if I really like this God very much. If God’s plan is to fill my heart with sadness, to keep my life in limbo, to constantly throw roadblocks in my way, and to deny my wife and I the joy of being parents……it doesn’t sound like much of a plan.

We’ve all been there haven’t we? We look out of our windows and wonder how the neighbors can afford such a nice car. We walk out of a building after being laid off and wonder how we are going to survive. We pay our bills and then stare at the checkbook wondering how we are going to feed the children. We sit down with friends and listen to their glorious stories of vacations, top-notch schools, corporate perks and stare meekly at our reflections wondering why it can’t be us. We see mothers out for nice walks and wonder why we must work while they get to spend time with their children. We sit outside and ponder the question of why the life we lead now is so vastly different than the one we dreamed of earlier.

We work hard, live a Christian life, love our families, support the community, and are only asking for a bone to be thrown our way now and then. We want to know if the good is going to stay and just how horrible the bad is going to be. We plead for God to allow the positives to become true and for the bad to stay away. We are living our lives for Him and in the back of our minds that means that we should get something in return.

The bottom line is that we don’t know. I cannot tell you why I must struggle to have a child. I can try to rationalize all of the different ways that I can change the progress of my life, but when it comes down to it…..

What’s the point.

I can try and help you to see why you are unemployed, in an unhappy relationship, constantly sick, battling depression, and a myriad of other afflictions. We can sit together and pore over the history of our lives and pinpoint the moments in which all went wrong. I can sit at a computer and put into words the confusion that wracks my brain, but in the end….

What’s the point.

The only thing that we can use to figure all of this out is: Faith. It is very easy to just throw our hands up in despair and give up…sometimes that seems to be the best way to solve all of the issues. I would like nothing more than to throw in the towel and walk away from all of this….there are times when it just hurts too much. The problem is that I have a belief in God and that belief inspires me to think that tomorrow must be different. That love for God puts me in a position of wanting to see what the plan is and why I’m in the place that I am. I can be filled with sorrow but underneath that pain lies a glimmer of hope. It is that hope that we must hang onto during the dark times of our lives. It is in that Hope that our dreams take root, our love manifests, and our friends congregate. That light must continue to shine and when we can’t seem to find our way home, we must use it to comfort our fears.

What’s the point?

The point is that our lives are all intertwined and things happen in our lives that are beyond our control. We can blame God for these things and maybe there is some truth in the accusation, but the light that burns deep inside all of us must never go out. We need that light for survival and many times it will be the only thing we have.

I can’t see the bright side of the moon tonight. The light was there last week and tonight it is gone. I walked out into the backyard and tried to find it, but it had disappeared. I had so wanted the light to be there but for tonight it is not to be.

I smile. For I know that even though I may not be able to see the light tonight, I know that the moon is still there. Like the love of my Father…..it will never leave.

Good night my angel……sleep tight.