Digging Out

I wrote this piece 4 weeks after the passing of my daughter...I thought it might be poignant today since many people are dealing with the tragedy of Sept. 11th. It has been over a year since I wrote this and now when I look at it....I smile. God was working hard in me and you can see the transformation happening. To any of you who are moving on, moving forward or would like to move on....may this piece give you some hope and insight.

Digging Out

I am tired. Really tired. Four weeks. Four weeks of change. I can feel the difference. I feel clean. God is working hard and I am is project. I used to love God, rever Him actually. Jesus was my friend. I knew all the songs, knew many scriptures, looked forward to Sunday morning. I had a mentor. I learned a lot from him..even went to work for him. Should have been working for Him. You know....God. My mentor failed me...hurt me...not physically....mentally. So I left. Chased my dream. Caught my dream. Realized that when a dream becomes reality...the dream dies. I love my reality. Forgot that I live in my reality due to my Father. Never truly thanked Him. My past haunts me. Refused to deal with the past. Read the paper on Sunday mornings. Drank coffee on Sunday mornings. Watched Sportscenter on Sunday mornings. I used to eat bread and drink wine on Sunday mornings. Forgot to go Home on Sunday mornings. My Father tried to call me. I never answered the phone. My Father tried to see me. I never opened the door. My Father had to take my daughter Home and my blindfold finally slipped off. I looked up and saw garbage. Tons of garbage. I dig now. Each day I dig. So much waste. So heavy. I see a faint light...way up at the top. He waits. I pray. I want to go back to kindergarten. I want to sing the songs. I want to draw the pictures. I want to believe. I didn't realize. How did I let this happen? All this trash. I need a bigger shovel. My back hurts. It feels wonderful. My daughter...she is gone. Or is she? Can I see her? If I remove this trash..then maybe. The light gets brighter...He is smiling...He knows my plight. I dig. It is time. Time to change. Time for humility. Time for love. I pray and He responds...like He used to. He was always there..I know that. I look over my shoulder and He is gone...where did He go? I look forward...He is not there...where? There is a tug....a pull from down below. I look and I smile. It is her..my angel. She tugs..she pulls..I follow. She has a purpose...a reason. I walk...I admire...she is strong. She knows the way..she has been here before. The light. It is glowing. She stops. I look and smile. He is here. He has always been here...I just forgot the directions. I didn't know where to find them. They were somewhere inside..buried almost. My daughter was smart...she knew where to look. She was sitting on them....deep inside my heart.